I didn’t sleep well last night. I think that I might have gotten 2 hours of sleep or so. I went down to breakfast a 6 and came back and laid down for perhaps an hour and a half. I can tell that I am in the thick of the healing process: I am very tired, but the pain keeps me from really getting anything like restful sleep. For those who are wondering, the pain is not unbearable – it is simply constant. I suppose it is a lot like having a fairly bad headache in your crotch. I am not yet able to do much in the way of getting around. I can walk well, however if I am upright for extended periods of time I experience the very unpleasant sensation that at any moment my insides will spill out. This inevitably means that I pushed myself too far an need to spend the rest of the day laying down.

I am still swollen towards the top, but the swelling towards the bottom has all but gone. Dilation is possibly one of the most unpleasant things I have experienced thus far. It is excruciating during the initial dilation process but soon dulls to a deep feeling of uncomfortable pressure mingled with intermittent bursts of pain. All I can say is that I now believe that valium is god’s special gift to all those who must go through this process.

I love being among the Buddhist culture. I discuss Buddhism with anyone who cares to answer my questions and/or share with me their own experience with The Buddha. It is fascinating to me that, while there are traditions that have become holy and thus become ritual, ie religious, the core teachings, beliefs and symbols used to remind the Buddhists of those beliefs are extremely congruent with my own Truths that I have been willing to connect with while fumbling through a life lived in Western culture. I have the opportunity to give attention to spirituality – something that I do not do enough of. I feel closer to my spirit, guidance, consciousness, the path or whatever you want to call it. I feel myself drawn back to what is real and what works: the Steps. I also feel that I maybe discovering a religion that I might be able to claim a harmony with.

I feel a certainty about this journey. I can truthfully say – from the core of my being – that if I have only done one thing in my life that has been exactly what I was supposed to do – this is it. I have wept with gratitude. I am not articulate enough to be able to begin to express the enormity of the absolute rightness, gratitude, wholeness… as I said, I can not give enough depth and breath to this experience. I don’t know that I will ever be able to be able to truly share this experience with anyone but my own spirit – my own self.

It is also truly remarkable to be around so many people from so many cultures. Of course I am getting a nice dose of Thai culture – but I have met people from several parts of the US, Australia, England, Germany even Finland. Dr. Suporn (pronounced Sue-pon) seems to be the foremost pioneering doctor in this particular field. So many of the patients are here for a second or even third time in order to get other things done. FFS, SRS, MA, etc. – everyone I talk with seems to feel that at this point in (the now almost 75 year history of SRS) time, Dr. Suporn is simply the best at what he does.

I just had a visit with Wannee (surgical nurse and Suporn Clinic staff). All I can say is that with every visit – I just have so much respect for her. I admire her courage and fortitude. I love her Buddha. I feel honored that she shares her memories and experiences with me. When I have been in NA or AA – once in a while I meet someone who has “it” – someone who is real – someone who is who they are – someone who seems to be plugged into something greater than their own designs for their life – someone who is, at the same time great and small: that is Wannee to me.