I have spent much of the last two weeks silently digesting the last decade of my life. Especially the past three years. I don’t know that I can express through writing. So many internal emotional/experiential landscapes are being silently pieced together within me. Where I have picked up experiences over the past three years, I have lost some of those deep “spiritual” ties to nature.

Over the past several years, I have been very busy. I have so many painful experiences with which I have yet to come to a place of resolve. So much of me is unknown.

I am witnessing an experience that is much like the experience one might recount after recovering from a stroke. I would imagine that someone who is attempting to recover from a stroke would know – can feel that somewhere inside – they are struggling to get back to where they were before the stroke. They probably would not be able to tell you exactly what was taking place inside of themselves, or after they had recovered – exactly what kind of work was going on inside, they only knew that they felt they were working feverishly to remap the topography of the mind on order to experience the successful navigation of life’s experiences.

I feel a similar process taking place in my gut. It is as if I am unconsciously tallying the damage this poor body has endured.

The fact that I have chosen to relate my inner experiences in a – well almost 3rd person detachment of someone simply reporting facts about an object – this fact does not escape me. I just can’t feel connected in my body. It’s always felt like this… this wrongness.

15 years ago, I set in an NA meeting lamenting my powerlessness over my masks. It was a pivotal awareness whose aftermath is only becoming realized 15 years later. I understand that in some very significant ways, I have spent the last 15 years removing masks. While I realize that each finds its genesis in some vital aspect of the whole, I just can’t seem to make the pieces fit together.