The use of the word stealth has lost its meaning in the last decade. I hear people who go to trans support group meetings, activities and who run trans websites claim to be “stealth” now. When I came out, going to trans support group meetings, activities and running trans forums was the definition of being out in a big way! Some now say that “stealth” means one thing and “woodworking” another. I call BS. You can’t woodwork without being stealth. It’s like saying that the word “hide” and “conceal” are fundamentally different. If you’re going to conceal something, you have to hide it; if you’re going to woodwork, you’ve got to be stealth. Some say “stealth” just means privacy. Privacy is not telling my spouse that I had a wart removed; stealth is not telling my spouse that I had a penis removed.
Pretending that being “out” means telling everyone you meet you’re trans is BS. Associating with others in the trans community while claiming to be stealth is a mischaracterization of what stealth is.
Stealth is pretending to everyone that you’re a cisgender female. It means living in fear that the spouse you lied to will find out that you didn’t actually have a hysterectomy. It means always wondering if your friends would really like you if they knew the truth. Stealth is running away from or verbally running down your trans brothers and sisters so that others won’t make the connection. Stealth means that you hide being trans.
Stealth is about shame and nothing more. Not telling the grocery sacker that you’re trans is not stealth. Trying to get your parents to lie to your new boyfriend is being stealth. Not telling every co-worker in the building that you’re trans is not being stealth. Not telling your best friend is being stealth.
If you associate with other trans people, you’re not in stealth because you’re putting yourself in a position of allowing more and more people to know the truth about your history. Isolating and hiding your history is what it means to live in stealth.
Stealth people say things like “I just want to get on with my life as the woman I am” – a sentiment that sounds rational enough on the surface. The problem with that sentiment is that it’s also a delusion. Stealth people rationalize their lies by believing that being trans was only a medical problem that was fixed – kind of like a cleft palette; purposefully pretending that there wasn’t a social transition that entailed violating numerous cultural norms. Stealth is purposefully taking away the choice of letting the people you claim to love the most decide if they are willing to take on the potential social costs (as unfair and stupid as those social costs might be) of breaking those backwards cultural norms by being with you. If you believe that it is only a medical condition, remember that I said that you’re delusional when your best friend, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your adopted child, etc finds out that you lied about your social and medical history. Yes, it is a medical condition that should be treated medically, but to pretend that this medical condition is exactly like having laser eye surgery is nothing more than living in denial. Living an authentic life means having the courage to stand firmly on the ground on truth regardless of what stupid, moronic and asinine stereotypes and/or fears others may choose to cling to.
Anyway… pretending to be a cisgender female practically never works in the end. In the digital age, you can never destroy every piece of history documenting your true past and you certainly can’t kill everyone how knows the truth. Choosing stealth is a shame-based way to live because it supports the belief that being trans is bad and should be hidden. Being a transwoman and being a ciswoman are just two somewhat different ways of arriving at being a woman; living stealth supports the bogus idea that you’re not really a woman and you must therefore hide the truth from discovery. If you want to save yourself a lot of misery, be truthful about the history that made you into the wonderful person you are today to the people who matter to you. You don’t need to tell the gas station attendant, but the point of transitioning is that you get to live authentically. Don’t put yourself into a position that you have to go back to living a lie; don’t go from one closet to another.
Tags: gender
Interesting…stealth and closet and in and out have one meaning for me. Safety, and safe ground. I am out where I am safe, I am closeted where I may be in danger of getting my head beat in, raped, murdered. I will tangle with someone verbally, and have and won, btw, including a Christian concerned for my immortal soul – she walked away a new ally. I stand in college class rooms and run power points and say, this is what I am – all questions are welcome. But I watch where I walk. Everyday.
I understand stealth…its fear. Admittedly, you are so right, if you start out open to begin with, the person you are with has to work from that and not a lie…You are right that being in the closet is not conducive to mental health and self image. But tran and gay is a journey of self. Some know when they are very small and young. They are fortunate. Others slowly put the pieces and the names together for their differences and sometime it can take half a life time. So, they have not "lied" to their spouse and friends…but their spouses and friends, trust me, will say they have. They face abandonment of marriage, shunning by friends, hostile neighbors, loss of employment – I had a coworker in a former job who was fired for being gay. I didn't figure out I was gay until I was 36…it took almost another decade to understand that I was actually trans. And I lost friends and nearly a now ex spouse over it, because obviously I lied. How could I lie, when I didn't realize? How could I lie, when my own internal understanding was not yet in synch. Stealth rises from fear, not deception. Fear of cut offs, hate, violence – emotional, physical, and verbal. Its a process, to gain the courage. And you have to be healthy and strong in your sense of self. How many of us are that? You are a heroine, and you give me such hope! And I bet profoundly you paid blood to get where you are today. You are also right. Stealth and closets kill the inner soul, open us up to violence when secrets come out. But everybody is in a journey and a process. Not everybody can get there at first. Not everybody's family history and system gives them the tools to walk into the storm. It wasn't so long ago that the Harry Benjamen Standards Urged and demanded total secrecy and cut off from the past in order to transition. Our society as a whole demands a price for deviation from the tribal norms that can be far too high for some to pay. Those who are open, let us walk openly and fight for those who are trapped in fear and danger. Remember, class, economic strata, and location matter. Some one in a small isolated town in the Bible belt does not have the luxury I have of some safety at least…if they step Out of Stealth and Closets, they quite literally may be dead before the sun rises, and no peer jury will convict the killer, no advocate is there to stand for them, sometimes they don't even make the paper. Advocacy, Openness, being heard, being on the front line, working for diversity and change is the only thing that will change our future. But its also a luxury for those with the safety and privilege to do so. Should I be jailed for something trans related, there would be some help, although there a few resources available here. If I lived just a little further over in some of our smaller isolated towns, I would not expect to emerge alive. Its complex…it can't be solved by saying well, you should be Out and Open. I respect anyones right to be closeted, even though the problems associated with that are legion. Until I walk a mile in their shoes and understand the unique dangers they face, I have no right to say otherwise. Doing my best, with what I have…and its all I can do.
I love this Cristan and personally have been called "stealth" but have NEVER personally referred to myself that way and clearly never will…. and thanks to you I now know why.
That's because you are one of the most courageous people I know, girl!
This post is clear, concise and hits the nail on the head. Stealth is a fiction and it's attempt one of the main reasons for "losing everything".
Are you saying that you "lost everything" because you tried being stealth?
I couldn't be stealth even if I tried. The thing is that I'm just too proud of myself for what I have accomplished and through my own means and methods. I have been able to successfully (or somewhat successfully) complete all of the medical aspects of transition without having to step into a therapist's office. I made this choice because (1) it is insulting to assume that I need therapy just because I am trans and (2) it is insulting to assume that because I'm trans, I can't make my own decision, so I need the permission of two other people in order to get the necessary medical care that I need. I know only one other medical procedure that is so needlessly and illogically restricted and that would be abortion.
I wanted to go stealth, but I knew that I could never pull it off. I wanted stealth because, in my experience, people treat you differently when they find out you've transitioned. It doesn't matter how you look, or whether you're post-op.
Still, I knew that I could never be stealth because I've seen what I look like in a mirror, and just as my mother told me as a child that I would never find someone to love me because of my personality, she now tells me that I have added a really ugly face to the mix. I'll never rally "pass", so it's a good thing I live in a small town with lots of ugly women. People don't look too closely.
But one of my biggest reasons for not trying too hard to go stealth was that I felt that to enter a serious relationship with someone meant letting that person know about my past. Not because I'm any less a woman. Except for my reproductive status and minor phisiological details, I'm just as much a woman as my mother or my aunts. And if a man refused to marry me because he thought I wasn't a woman, I would consider him a fool, and not worth marrying anyway. Another bullet dodged.
But still, that's a very important, deeply personal detail. If I were in a serious relationship with a man, I would want to know if he had ever been an addict, and I would want to know his religious affiliation, and I would want to know if he waxes his chest. Likewise, he should know that, although I am completely a woman, I wasn't always perceived as such by society, and there could be complications later. Even if I ever achieve post-op status, I still won't be able to have a child, and as long as I live in Texas, I'll have to deal with Texas rednecks.
And as long as I live, I'll always have a different name on my DD-214 (military discharge record) than on my driver's licence. I can't leave my past behind, and I by this point I don't think I want to.
And to me, that's what "stealth" means… leave your past behind, move somewhere where you don't know anyone, never call friends or family again, don't keep a copy of your birth certificate (you can't change it if you're stealth) or your high school diploma, or even your college diploma, if you graduated before you transitioned (again, you can't get that changed if you're stealth). Being stealth would mean lying to everyone I meet. The grocery clerk, my hairdresser, and even my employer doesn't have any right to know about my past, and none of it is relevant, but to truly hide from the past also means leaving everyone and everything behind.
And that's something I could never do.
Can I join the Borg? I'm 75% Scandinavian if that helps, haven't had a drink in 13 years(congrats on your 20) and I'm the classic, annoying Late Transitioner with roots in the drag and CD community.
I like your style, Cristan.
I call bullshit.
You make several points, which I think need to be rebutted individually.
Firstly, you claim that people who choose not to disclose a transexual history (ie live stealthily) are lying. This might be true for you, who sees teh trans and their life pre-transition as an important part of your identity. Many transexual people feel they spent their lives pre-transition lying, so having transitioned are now able to stop doing so.
If I were to tell people I am transsexual, their view of me would change. I'd lose the cisgender privilege that I currently enjoy, where I'm able to take my gender for granted. Instead I would be arming everyone with the means to really hurt me, by misgendering me.
Next, you claim that stealthy people who engage in occasional dialogue with other trans people can't possibly be stealth. Again, this is a pretty naive view of the world. One can use pseudonyms and take care to ensure that trans people and cis people don't meet. I am stealth. I chose not to disclose to my workmates, and choose not to disclose to my cis friends. Of the people who I am in regular contact in real life, a whole two people know my history, and they can be trusted absolutely not to out me.
By occasionally interracting with other trans people, I have a useful outlet.
So what is it about stealth people that so angers you? Not all trans people want to be out and proud. Many of us just want to get on with our lives without carrying piles of baggage around.
This is a lie of omission. Choosing to withhold significant information about your life from people you claim to love/trust because you fear how they will handle it is different than hiding the fact that you're transsexual prior to transition… how exactly?
I claimed that you are not stealth if your run online trans communities and go to trans functions. Do you run an online trans community and go to trans functions?
I said that in the age of the internet, it's impossible to truly live in stealth. If you think that I – or anyone else with access to internet databases – would not be able to uncover your previous name with only your new name and birthday, you're misinformed. The people who know you right now have the only keys they need to unlock your past.
While I know you use the vernacular "stealth"… how is what you claim "stealth" to be any different that what I've described non-stealth privacy to be? You tell the people in your life that you trust; how is that living in stealth? You don't tell you're co-workers; when did I claim that being out meant telling your co-workers?
So, let me get this right. Not only do you tell the people you trust, you also hang out with other trans folk? And in your mind this is living in stealth?!? *brain explodes*
How did you read what I wrote and come up with this? You might choose to believe that you live a hidden life, but the fact is that you aren't. Hanging out with trans folk is not living in stealth. Disclosing your history to the people who you love/trust is not living in stealth. Let me put it to you this way: If you are revealing your history to people, are you hiding your history? Yes or no.
Let me repeat myself: "Pretending that being “out” means telling everyone you meet you’re trans is BS."
Since you're obviously not living a hidden life, what you're doing doesn't anger me in the least. You're living with privacy while honoring the trust you share with those who are close to you. Being out isn't telling your office pal your medical history; being out is being willing to disclose your medical history if it is appropriate. Telling strangers and people you don't trust your medical history isn't what being free of a closet is about. You obviously disclose your history to those who are special to you.
Remember back before you transitioned? Before there was anyone who knew the truth? Remember that fear of what would happen if you told… anyone? That's stealth. That's taking the truth and hiding it away so that the truth is… stealth. That's what stealth is.
Apologies for the clumsy formatting – there appears to be no quote function.
You write:
"This is a lie of omission. Choosing to withhold significant information about your life from people you claim to love/trust because you fear how they will handle it is different than hiding the fact that you're transsexual prior to transition… how exactly?"
It's quite different. The sex I was assigned has exactly nothing to do with who I am. It's simply not relevant to my relationships now. But worse than not being relevant, disclosing my trans history to people would cause them to think of me very differently to the way they do now – thanks in no small part to the annexation of transsexual by the crossdresser crowd via transgender.
So here's the scenario: I walk into the office next door and disclose to a workmate. He hasn't a clue what I'm talking about (like most cis folks) so goes to google for more info. What does he find, but t-girls and she-males and other crap that provides zero insight into who I am.
So in disclosing my history I'm not showing him more of myself, instead I'm simply showing him other people.
"So, let me get this right. Not only do you tell the people you trust, you also hang out with other trans folk? And in your mind this is living in stealth?!? *brain explodes*"
Yes. I make use of a pseudonym to interract with trans people on-line (as I am doing now), and I look up old transsexual friends in real life who also transitioned in the early nineties every couple of years. It allows me to compare notes, learn a bit, and stay sane.
Otherwise my life is the same as any other cissexual woman you're likely to run into, and I like that quite a lot, thankyou. It's the reason I transitioned, after all.
"Remember back before you transitioned? Before there was anyone who knew the truth? Remember that fear of what would happen if you told… anyone? That's stealth. That's taking the truth and hiding it away so that the truth is… stealth. That's what stealth is."
Before I transitioned, _everyone_ knew I was transsexual. There was no hiding from anyone. School wasn't a pleasant experience. After transitioning, that's when I was able to chose whether to disclose or not.
I think this last paragraph says a lot about your point of view.
LOL! I was sipping water while reading your reply and couldn’t stifle a laugh that caused water to come out my nose. Girl, this statement says so much about the difference between a Separatist and a non-Separatist. If you really believe that it has nothing do do with who you are, then why does that history force you to fear revealing it? Do you really think that fear doesn’t control your behavior? Certainly you cannot be that obtuse in your reasoning.
Again, this seems to highlight the difference between a Separatist and a non-Separatist. You think your issues can be traced by to ” the annexation of transsexual by the crossdresser crowd via transgender.” But you have no proof, do you? Someone at some point told you this and you swallowed it as being fact without ever asking to investigate that truth claim for yourself, didn’t you? You really believe that if people can just understand that this is an intersex condition, our culture will stop making transsexuals the butt of jokes, right? The problem isn’t the crossdresser; the problem is the right wing asshat propagating fallacies claiming the transsexuals transition for sexual kicks.
And can you not see the logical contradiction of your statement? In one breath, you claim that something is irrelevant to your life and in the very next, you claim that it controls your behavior. Again, this seems to highlight the difference between a Separatist and a non-Separatist.
*facepalm*
You’re claiming that back when you were 5 you experienced no issues talking about being transsexual; there was never a time in your life that you lived with a knowledge of a truth about your gender that you felt that you should keep secrete prior to transitioning?
One more point. I think it's really hurtful of you to debase and degenerate a group of transsexual women just because they're easy pickings. You equate stealth with "running away", "hiding", "shame", "lying". The list goes on.
Of course most stealth transsexual people won't refute you, for fear of being outed. I am fearful of you. So you can make your statements with relative impunity, being backed up by others who through life choices or circumstance are out.
Here's a bald statement that I'll make. Many of the out trans women that I've known or read in the past come across as either a little or a lot unhinged. They obsess ad nauseum with teh trans, and mope and carry on continually. Regardless of what political camp they subscribe to – be it HBS or crossdresser or genderqueer or what have you, there's a strong correlation between volume of trans related posts and, well, just not making sense.
On a final thought, perhaps stealth transexual women have just gotten a life?
Stealth is living a lie; if one is stealth, they are lying to the people you claim to love and trust the most. If one is stealth they are pretending that they never experienced a medical AND social transition because they fear what their loved ones will think of of them. Whether or not one personally has fears is not the question, the question is are they being dishonest. The answer to that question is without a doubt, "Yes!"
You, are not in stealth. I get that you've chosen to pretend that the word doesn't mean that you are live a life characterized by hiding; it does not change the fact that "stealth" means to hide and conceal. If your life isn't characterized by hiding you, my dear, are not living in stealth.
That's paranoia; not just fear. Not wanting your business out there to the people you don't love and trust is understandable. However, the idea you've concocted is fallacious reasoning: You can't refute my statements (even though that is exactly what you are doing by way of a reply) because you don't want people you don't trust and love to know about your medical history. *facepalm*
If you think that, remember that I said they were delusional when it all crumbles apart because they lied to the people they claimed to trust. Living with the level of fear you seem to be controlled by isn't anything that I find desirable and you're not even stealth. For me, I'd rather be hated for what I am than to be loved for what I'm not. I know that there will always be people who will stupidly hate me because of a medical condition. I also know that there will always be a lot of people who just don't give a fuck about it. Those who don't care, are the people I want to populate my world. Who the hell wants to populate their world and give their heart to people who will hate them? That sounds like a really bad move that can only ever result in suffering.
"For me, I'd rather be hated for what I am than to be loved for what I'm not."
See here's the nub of it. So would I. That's why I choose not to disclose my trans background.
This is the problem with the whole transgender thing – you cannot accept that there are trans people who don't identify as transgender – it offends you mightily that there's transsexual women around with the temerity to identify as women.
So, you're literally saying that in order to be loved for who you are, you are willing to lie about your history. This is the type of logic that makes sense to you?
A strawman argument is what people use when they have no argument. Now you're just making things up so that you can feel as if you have a rebuttal. You will never be able to substantiate what you've said because I've never said anything of the sort. You're merely pretending that I feel this way because it fits better with your narrative.
Here's a recient quote from me:
http://www.cristanwilliams.com/b/2011/08/13/of-tu…
Go ahead, reply with a quote wherein I say anything like what you claim.
"Go ahead, reply with a quote wherein I say anything like what you claim."
How about this:
"What I have said is that you can choose to not identify as being transgender. However, you are – according to the English language – transgender…"
And in any case, this entire site is built around your anger at TS separatists.
Note that you are adding the meaning to this quote that it does not have. I am claiming – truthfully – whether I, you or the man on the moon likes it or not, this is the definition of the word according to our current English language.
I have indeed made a number of posts over the past couple of months about this subject because I caught hell for questioning the myths that are pervasive within the Separatist movement. The vat majority of my posts have nothing to do with this topic. Again, you're not dealing with the facts; you're making statements that are demonstrably false.
Well according to my dictionary we're both male, too. I reject that one as well.
Because your 20-year old school dictionary states that you're not cisgender, this means that our current English language definition of the word "transgender" is wrong? That's the argument you're going with?
BTW – Tonight on Blog TV, Deena (a Separatist) and I will be discussing the TS Separatism live tonight at 8 PM Central: http://www.blogtv.com/People/ehipassiko
Christan, I think stealth is a fiction of the community. Though some people will claim to be stealth, the stealth as you define it is hardly what people refer to it as in the vernacular (ie: "I am stealth at work", "I am stealth to my partner's inlaws").
I've never really encountered many people that are "100% stealth", usually people who are "stealth" are actually selectively out and I don't see any kind of moral problem with it.
And I think you characterizations of "running away" or even "lying" are especially harsh and unnecessary. Quite frankly, I'm not going to judge someone else's survival mechanism for living in an inherently transphobic society unless it hurts other people (ie. HBSers and WWBTs). Some people don't have financial or even physical security to be out, moralizing the question with such judgements of it being cowardly (ie. "running away") or dishonest (ie. "lying") is counterproductive and hurtful.
Privacy and stealth are (or at least they were) two completely different concepts. Stealth meant that you lived in the closet while privacy meant that you were judicious with who you shared your medical history with. Do you believe that the people I know who had their lives destroyed due to stealth are fiction? Kat is an example. Read her comment here on this page. She transitioned when the docs encouraged people to lie to their spouses and to live in fear of discovery from the people they love. I know a number of people who went through hell because they lived in stealth… until their husbands found out. The type of stealth I'm talking about is, in fact, very real and should not be thought of as a healthy way to live one's life.
I've never had a problem with people having privacy; in fact, I encourage it. I've only every had an issue with someone thinking that living in the closet is a healthy way to live. We know that living a closeted life is psychologically harmful. Would you like to cite the peer-reviewed studies? Telling people that it's okay to engage in behaviors which will harm them and result in suffering isn't compassionate; it's indifference and that is harmful.
Are you of the opinion that we should encourage people to engage in behavior that's known to be harmful? I'm not; I prefer a balanced approach: privacy.
Well, I think we may be encountering kinda a fault line in experience, I've transitioned within the last six years and I'm 30. Most of the people I know are about that and have done the same, so I guess we don't have the experience of docs forcing us underground (though I've heard that was common place in the past). Perhaps this is why I haven't met many 100% people, even on the internet?
I have encountered people who have been stressed over the stealth parts of lives and it has a lot of pitfalls. Namely the constant stress of being "found out" is what seems to be the worst of it.
I think people should be warned against it because it can be destructive, but I don't agree to moralizing the issue and making it in to a "stealth is inherently bad or shameful". I trust people to look after their own interests and deciding how best to handle their trans status.
Plus, with computer databases and social neworking these days, unless you transitioned before the 1990s there is always going to be a credit check, hospital record or something from the internet, that will come out to bite you in the ass. So I think stealth is going to rapidly come to be a thing of the past.
You may be right in your assessment of a generational gap… which was part of the rant. OMG! I've become the crotchety of fart yelling at new transsexuals to stay off my rhetorical lawn! LOL!
When you use stealth in this sentence, are you referring to the type of stealth I'm talking about (closeted) or the type that you're talking about (privacy)? If we're talking about "stealth" using the context that this post is about, I disagree that it's somehow bad to state that lying to your husband is a lie… because it is one or that it is a shame-based way to live… because it is. If I don't speak the truth to my spouse because I think they will reject me if they knew who and what I really am, that's called shame. Saying what is so is not moralizing the issue, it's only saying what is so.
I tend to agree with you on the assessment of the feasibility of living in stealth though. I don't know that it will be possible as data becomes more accessible.
"Are you of the opinion that we should encourage people to engage in behavior that's known to be harmful? I'm not; I prefer a balanced approach: privacy."
Have you ever actually met anyone who is stealth?
I'm not saying some random twit down at the gender resource center or in a drag club who conflates stealth and closeted. And I'm not saying people like Nikki Araguz who's life was turned upside down either.
Because I doubt you actually have. Stealthy transsexual people, by their very nature, don't engage with the transgender community. Except when something bad has happened. For the vast majority, they just get along very happily, thank you. Nikki was doing just fine, until people started calling her transgendered.
The peer reviewed studies are no better, either. They go to the local transgender resource center or drag bars and survey people, and naively believe they're taking a representative sample. They are – of trans people who hang around resource centers and drag bars.
I used to know a woman from Thailand – she worked as a computer programmer. She introduced me to a couple of her friends, also Thai, who were also computer programmers. I therefore declare that all Thai women are computer programmers.
Oh, you think I might just have been suffering from selection bias? Just maybe?
And another thing – stealth and closeted are not the same – conflating the terms does nobody any use. Stealth is choosing not to disclose something in your history that is probably irrelevant to the present – closeted is choosing not to disclose something in your present.
Yes, I have. I've also worked with transsexuals who wanted to die because their family was destroyed after the spouse found out they had lied about their past. While I've not been around the community since the 60s, I've been around for the better part of the last 20 years which is long enough to see folks come into groups and access services and then try to live in stealth. I've seen the fear on their face when we bump into each other in the store and I've been around years later when they figured out that stealth – the stealth I'm talking about in this post – is not possible.
Nikki was never stealth; she told her husband before they began dating. She brought him to the trans clinic for me and my assistant to meet. She was out to her close friends. I've known Nikki for more than a decade; we met when she contacted me asking if she could volunteer with my organization. Nikki was never stealth; however, that's not to say that she did enjoy a level of privacy in which she was judicious about who knew about her past.
Let me ask you: What is the difference between being stealth and living in the closet? When you say stealth, do you mean that you live a closeted life or do you mean that you are simply judicious about who knows about your medical history?
LOL! Wow… while I'm guessing that this belief will support a certain ideology, it's not in any way based in fact. Both Nikki and I have always identified as being transsexual women who were part of the transgender community. If you ask either of us, we'd both tell you that we are transsexuals.
WOW! Obviously you're talking about reality colored by your belief system. Otherwise you'd know that the above statement is a demonstrable falsehood. You may believe this, but that belief isn't a reflection of reality. Peer reviewed studies on the inherent risks associated with being closeted do not come from drag bars.
Obviously it's not if people lived in stealth and had their lived destroyed by it. I clearly state in my post what I'm talking about. You seem to be pretending that I'm talking about living with privacy is bad when I'm not. I'm talking about what stealth has meant in the trans community for decades.
Perhaps it would be useful to differentiate using the terminology 'deep stealth' vs. 'stealth', since people seem to be getting confused about the definition of stealth.
ie
Deep Stealth == closeted, lying to your spouse and closest friends
Stealth == privacy, your spouse and closest friends know but not your coworkers, casual acquaintences, etc.
I think anyone with half a brain will agree that 'Deep Stealth' is an inauthentic and unhealthy way to live. 'Stealth' on the other hand is perfectly acceptable and often necessary given the current societal climate.
Those who would deny their own history to those closest to them are only revealing their own limitations. They feel inadequate and their own lack of self-worth leads them to believe that no one else would value them enough to be able to look past their origins and see them for who they are. It is much easier to place the blame on someone else, 'men in dresses' or whoever, than to admit that they do not feel interesting enough and valuable enough to stand on their own merit.
I chose to transition right in front of all the people in my life. I explained what I was doing, and why. I told them that although the package was changing, the person was basically the same. I think, for the most part, they all understood. I haven't lost any valuable friends, clients or other relationships, so I'm pretty sure they all got it, or at the very least, don't care about it. I don't know how many of them see me as female, or transsexual, or a "woman who was born a man", and I really don't care. I don't define myself by what other people label me. I have far too little time and energy to waste worrying about whether people see me as "this" or "that." I'm ME. What you see is what you get. The only way you're going to really know who I am inside is by putting aside preconceptions, prejudice, vincible ignorance, and asking me, "who are you?" If I like you, I'll tell you. If like you and trust you, I'll tell you a lot. If I love you, I'll tell you almost anything. Almost.
Too many PEOPLE (not just trans people) measure their self-worth by what the rest of the world thinks of them, and as a result, they're constantly living their lives for the approval of others. In my experience, the more you believe in yourself, work to improve yourself, and strive to make a difference in the world, the more people will accept you, and admire your, regardless of how you were born, what you look like, what your medical history entails, and so on. When you are a QUALITY person, and you have INTEGRITY, those are what shine through, and everything else pales in comparison.
99% of life is believing in yourself. The other 1% is believing in others. Choose those others carefully, because you are THEIR 1%, and when you look to each other in times of need, it's not going to matter one iota what used to be between your legs.
I have volunteered a heck of a lot in my life. I am currently volunteering as a person that goes to colleges and youth summer camps to tell about sexual/gender minority matters, not because I want, but because my way of teaching has been appreciated. I have a way with words. I have been on magazines, radio and perhaps even television, because I have known media people personally and I can trust they won’t publish anything defamatory. But, I am tired of volunteering. If someone tells me that I have failed, I am more than happy to give up my career in public.
“Privacy is not telling my spouse that I had a wart removed; stealth is not telling my spouse that I had a penis removed”
Privacy is not having a spouse at all. We have a significant personal history post-op. Every year the time when I transitioned seemed more distant. The very idea that I have been a man, or male, or a guy seems ludicruous. Quite frankly, I don’t remember much of that time.
I am just too lazy to think about trans issues all the time. Some people still remember, once in facebook one asked whether I was married to a guy or gal. I said – does it really matter, my spouse was violent. (Finnish having no gendered pronouns makes it easy).
I don’t see myself inferior to cis women, perhaps a little bit superior. I have actually thought feverishly about my gender, whilst few of them have thought theirs.
“If you associate with other trans people, you’re not in stealth because you’re putting yourself in a position of allowing more and more people to know the truth about your history”
That is why we have the nondisclosure agreement.
“Stealth people rationalize their lies by believing that being trans was only a medical problem that was fixed – kind of like a cleft palette; purposefully pretending that there wasn’t a social transition that entailed violating numerous cultural norms. ”
Yeah, my tuberculosis was far more exciting and what comes to social norms, I am totally open about being an anarchist. When Helsinki Pride was about Finnish culture. I marched naked while my friends whipped me with bunces of birch branches, to the amazement of several tourists. (If you can’ t take public sauna, stay out of Finland) Not the kind of culture the Pride organization asked for. The fact that I have gone through the sex reassignment has been the least violation. In school I blew my nose once on the flag of Finland and everybody totally saw it.
“In the digital age, you can never destroy every piece of history documenting your true past and you certainly can’t kill everyone how knows the truth. ”
I can contaminate my information. Why do you think I ran for the Parliament? Now, if you google my name, it’s mostly about my political views. I got only 19 votes, so there was no danger of being elected. If my files aren’t already messed-up, because the EU is becoming more and more a mess, I can move to another country. It’s just damn expensive.
“Choosing stealth is a shame-based way to live because it supports the belief that being trans is bad and should be hidden. ”
No, it is not bad, but I am tired of explaining, because there are so many misconceptions. I start, like, you know, there is this Ramachandran-fellow that speaks about the absence of phantom genitalia and then there are news about the ts-gene being found and then there is the bed nucleus of striatus terminalis and even though I list these reasons, being TS is okay even if there were none, and blah, blah, blah, have you read “Whipping Girl”? I know it is only in English and it is not available in any public libraries. No, I think feminists are way off.
Every single time. And they are unable to even phrase their questions, because there are no words in the vocabulary. Sex change, sex reassignment, sex swap. They can’t even ask intellectual questions. I am kind enough to think what they should ask and how so that I can really answer the question they were really thinking about. Mind reading, while they are not doing the same favor with me.
About me
Some Factoids: I have lived in the USA and in Europe. I am in a relationship with a serial killer. I only drink beer when in sauna and I don’t smoke, use or drink coffee or caffinated teas. My SRS was in 2002. I disowned my parents, the rest of the family has disowned me. I’m a Gnostic. I know several people that have killed themselves, but I think, if this world is hell, there are no exits. I am currently homeless and I used to be a prostitute. I am associated with the sexual equality organization SETA, squatters, Queer-journal Kummakerho. I ran for the Parliament from the Communist Party list, but didn’t rake in many votes.
Personally I never considered stealth as an option for practical reasons. I do not agree with what you said though, about those who choose to do so. You dont need to disclose something so intensely personal if you choose not to. There is nothing wonderful about being out, but for many it is the only option.
I strongly disagree with about everything you said except for the definition of stealth.
“Stealth people say things like ‘I just want to get on with my life as the woman I am'”
You can’t be a woman if you are an openly transwomen just as a gay couple can’t get married they get “gay married”. If you get a breast augmentation you don’t have large breast, they are fake. If crops are grown with fertilizers and poisons they aren’t natural foods. Society and language distinguish between things that were always that way and things that became that way. A transwomen will never be a women if people know she was not originally a woman. That is just how things are because of the way the English language is structured and how human thought works.
“Living an authentic life means having the courage to stand firmly on the ground on truth regardless of what stupid, moronic and asinine stereotypes and/or fears others may choose to cling to.”
“Living an authentic life” is not morally right or wrong or even important if someone doesn’t view it as important. It is a personal choice. You get one life, that’s it. As such each person gets to choose how they want to act, represent themselves, and what they want to do. Authentic is a largely subjective term. Just because you have chosen to place moral importance in being “authentic” does not mean other people view it as important.
“Anyway… pretending to be a cisgender female practically never works in the end. In the digital age, you can never destroy every piece of history documenting your true past and you certainly can’t kill everyone how knows the truth.”
The digital age does make it more difficult to hide your past however it is far from impossible. It simply requires more planning and forethought, ideally from a younger age. Changing your name, thinking of a good story about your past (in a completely different location than you actually grew up), hunting down and destroying all digital and physical photos of your past life, moving far away, ect make deep steal not only possible but manageable indefinitely.
“Stealth is about shame and nothing more.”
Steal is realizing you want something a large portion of society would deny you. It is realizing that you get one life and only one chance to live it. Steal is realizing you want to be a women, in the view of everyone in society, not a transwoman.
It is a highly personal choice with significant costs but if that is something a person wants for their life I would never discourage them from living as the person they want in the life they want as long as they are aware of the price they are paying and are going to pay.
Believe me, I get it. I really do. The choice is to always and forever have your difference be the most important thing about yourself to some people or to pretend that your difference isn’t there.
Guilt is a feeling that has to do with “I’ve done something wrong.” Shame is a feeling that has to do with “I am something wrong.” I still believe that stealth is about shame.