Lilly had posted a very real blog today. She said that she was following Dee’s lead and that she was working on be more honest in her blogging. I had said that being that direct was something that I felt uneasy about because I’ve had people get really hurt or offended… also, I’ve never felt comfortable posting about my job because I’ve  been afraid of what might happen if word got back to my boss, etc.

Well, I’ve decided to follow the lead of folks like Lilly, Dee, Rusti, Cricket and Caisha and damn the consequences…

I’ve been feeling upset today about work tomorrow. The thing is, I’m feeling very frustrated. I’m funded to come up with an HIV testing, education and drug use reduction program. Back when everyone was talking about this, I was VERY vocal to the City and to HACS that a program like this couldn’t stand on it’s own feet – that it had to be built around something like free healthcare or housing assistance.

There are a few things that work in this community:

• Private, home-based HIV testing where TG folks just know to call us if they need a test.
• HTGA
• Thursday social
• Transhouston
• TATS
• STAG
• Knowledgeable folks who can work as community counselors to make appropriate referrals and to advocate for clients
• Low cost TG medical care
• Housing options
• Non-classroom HIV info (ie, people are educated via peers – HIV 101 is interjected into conversations in a natural way)

This is what works in the community. This is what actually impacts the HIV infection rate. This is what produces tangible results in people’s lives. All of the above things work together to move people towards risk-reduction.

This is not what anyone wants to fund. No… what people want is a class that transgenders go though to learn about HIV. They want us to convince people late at night in the clubs that “now” is a good time to take an HIV test. I am now MANDATED by the State to ask every TG I talk to if they took it up the ass since the last time I talked to them… and then document that! WTF?!?

Originally, I agreed to create a program/class that would teach TGs about HIV and that they would also get an HIV test – and that all of that would be part of an intake for FREE medical care and HRT. After they got the money, they told me that they didn’t have enough for the medical care… but that I had to make it work anyway.

Now… picture this: You are a TG who has no car; you have to take the buss everywhere. It takes you 2 hours to get ready to step foot outside your house because you want to look good enough to not get harassed or beaten. You trick because that is the only way you get enough money to live half-way decently. Your tricks say you are good and it kinda feels like an affirmation of yourself as being female and sometimes you even feel valued. You do drugs because it is one of the only things in your world that actually feels good.

For a bag of chips, you are going to spend 2 hours getting ready to brave the buss system to take a class to hear that prostitution is kinda bad for you and that you should cut back on the only thing that makes you feel good. We won’t help you with medical care or HRT. We won’t help you with housing, but we will try to talk you into having a HIV test.

How do you think that will work? Duh! IT WON’T WORK! I don’t care how you slice it… IT JUST WON’T FUCKING WORK.

But I still have to find 10 high-risk people to do 4 groups each month because I’ve gotta make it happen. I’m a manager and it is my job to get it done. Grrrr! It is like they cut off my legs and told me that I have to run a 5K because I’m an athlete.

I am so sick of this! The only funding for TG stuff is for things that JUST DON’T WORK. There is no money for the things that DO actually work.

All of the things that Carolyn and I do that actually make a difference in peoples lives… well, we aren’t really supposed to be doing that. I’m not supposed to work with people here, over the email or on the phone unless it is to talk about your HIV risk. I’m not supposed to do HTGA or the Thursday night social. I’m not supposed to be out there trying to develope community resources… unless those resources are directly about HIV testing or prevention: i.e., Just Say No crap.

If I could, I would walk away from what I do if I could just focus on what works instead of trying to BS people into thinking that I’m doing what doesn’t work while I’m doing what works on the sly. I am so incredibly frustrated… and have been for a long, long time.

The truth is, if I could do what I know to actually work… I would work around the clock for half the pay.

Any of the stuff that works… the TG clinic, the support groups, the case management, the networking for resource development, the activism… Carolyn and I did that because we knew it was the right thing to do even though we have had people breathing down our necks from day one. We are only supposed to hand out condoms, ask about people’s sex-life, badger people into testing for HIV and hold groups to teach you to use a condom/just say no. On top of all of that… and hours and hours – literal mountains of meaningless paperwork that improves nobodies life in any way… UGH!

Any of the great things coming down the pipe are happening because Carolyn and I risk our jobs to make it happen. Fortunately, I have met a few folks – a handful really – who are deciding that change needs to happen and that the only way the community is going to get what it needs is if we do it for ourselves. Lemme tell ya… knowing those people is what keeps me stumbling forward. I would love to name them, but 3 of them I know would shoot me if I let on how much they do for their community.

Wow… I feel like I did an emotional purge.